


Mr. Calhoun on the Virtues of Resourcefulness

by Trifoliate_undergrowth



Category: Half-Life
Genre: 2am slumber party vibes, Dr. Breen: Universally Hated Insufferable Boss, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Laughter, based on my famous 'barney fingerspells insults behind Breen's back' post, but its slap happy scientists making fun of their boss, everyone hates Dr. Breen, literally all the comedy is at his expense, rated T for lots of swearing/slightly suggestive swearing, where you keep setting each other off, you know when u + friends get into a feedback loop of laughing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 15:42:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29935662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trifoliate_undergrowth/pseuds/Trifoliate_undergrowth
Summary: Barney finds a way to make Dr. Breen's horrible speeches a little more interesting, and nearly kills Gordon with laughter in the process. All's well that ends well.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 47





	Mr. Calhoun on the Virtues of Resourcefulness

The Administrator, Dr. Breen, had quarterly meetings with each section of Black Mesa separately, and you were not allowed to skip. Not even if you’d just been. Dr. Eli Vance, who had ties to several different departments, had already sat through two this month and he looked like he might throw up as they headed to Anomalous Materials’ meeting. Dr. Breen talked a lot (a _lot_ ) about the importance of dialogue and hearing from his employees but he invariably droned on in a self-important way about irrelevant buzzword-y stuff (responsibilities, innovation, _authenticity_ hahaha) for about an hour (often longer), didn’t really have time for questions except maybe some technical stuff, and then if you were lucky would disappear without attempting to subject anyone to private conversation. Unfortunately, they were often unlucky enough for him to get distracted by what he considered an important tangent and stay there pontificating, sometimes even for another hour. Once he’d trapped them all in the conference room for over three hours, and about halfway through hour two Dr. Kleiner had openly slumped against Gordon’s shoulder to take a nap, snoring loudly. Dr. Breen paused to glare at him, but then kept going undeterred. At just about every meeting someone would invent An Emergency to get them out of the room and everyone who’d been wondering if they could pull that off would begrudge the first person their freedom as they scooted out. You couldn’t invent too many emergencies for the same meeting, it would look suspicious.

“Stay strong, Eli,” said Dr. Kleiner, patting him on the arm.

“If Alyx starts crying you can take her outside and just, you know, not come back,” said Azian, but Alyx was blissfully asleep in her arms and showed no signs of distress. She probably wouldn’t even wake up for the talk. Dr. Breen’s voice, so tortuous to adults who were expected to stay awake and act politely interested and invested, was probably just the thing for soothing a baby to sleep.

Gordon, anticipating the talk about as much as a trip to the dentist, was trying to look on the bright side—at least he didn’t have to go to four of these like Eli. And at least Barney would be there. There was really no reason to have security in the room, he was pretty sure it was just part of Dr. Breen’s inflated sense of self-importance and he liked the way it looked to have security hovering around him like he was a VIP. Sure, whatever. At least there would be one more friendly face in the room.

It would be slightly better if they at least provided snacks or something, Gordon thought as he settled into a chair and prepared for psychological agony. But no, it was simple torture, no complimentary peanuts or anything.

Barney opened the door and stood to one side of it, body language totally professional, but he made eye contact with Gordon and his expression said _God, get a load of this dude, am I right_? Dr. Breen entered behind him, carrying a clipboard thick with notes. Eli made a sound like he was deflating. Azian gave a soft sympathetic laugh and leaned against him.

Dr. Breen had decided to talk about Resourcefulness. Or so he claimed. He could’ve been talking about paperclips as far as Gordon was concerned, he wasn’t really saying anything. How did he even manage to do that? Did he really think he was saying something important? How could anyone love the sound of their own voice that much?

Next to him, Eli provided quiet commentary, sarcastically repeating lines that he’d heard too many times already and muttering with faint relief when Eli skipped a long tangent he’d gone over in his other talks (then groaning when he picked it up again later, and managed to stretch it out for even longer.) Gordon kept his face politely pointed in Dr. Breen’s general direction, but mostly looked at Barney, because Barney was nice to look at and significantly more interesting than Breen even when he wasn’t doing anything—he was trying to be professional but the subtle shift of his expressions as he listened to Dr. Breen drone on and on told Gordon more than someone who wasn’t already good friends with Barney might pick up, and it was reassuring to know they were on the same page as they both suppressed a grimace.

Ah well, at least they were all suffering together. Breen did, accidentally, create a bit of a traumatic bonding experience for everyone who had to listen to him. The only good he did was by accident.

Gordon had lost the thread of Breen’s speech and was completely lost. At one point it had kinda sorta been making sense but now…? He looked sideways at Eli, who appeared to be dissociating, Azian, who was grimly enduring, and Kleiner, who had taken out his notepad and was doodling on it, evidently feeling seniority protected him a little and he was allowed to take liberties the others were not. Alyx, the only person in the room who was perfectly content, was fast asleep. They were no help. He looked at Barney.

Barney was looking at him expectantly. Slowly, as unobtrusively as possible, he raised his hand and fingerspelled HEY.

He was getting better at sign but he still mostly used fingerspelling for words he didn’t know, which was still most words—and fingerspelling was less distracting than proper sign, he didn’t move his hands around as much. Still, other people trapped in the Breen torture chamber would likely notice even if Breen himself didn’t, but not many of them knew sign, and none of them wanted to be there, so he doubted they were going to call him out on it. What was he saying?

THIS GUY, Barney spelled, pointed sideways at Breen and twitched his face slightly. Gordon nodded in agreement, stopped himself from signing back—Breen was actually facing towards him, so it’d be a lot more obvious if he responded.

Barney had a devious smile. He started to fingerspell something, then stopped in confusion while Gordon was still trying to figure it out, paused for a sec and shrugged as if to say “start over,” then more slowly and carefully, spelled out C O C K

Gordon twitched. The noise that came out of him was more like a hiccup than a laugh, fortunately, but Eli still looked him curiously, though fortunately no one else did. Barney was still going.

S U C K E R

He made eye contact and beamed with pride.

Gordon’s ribcage shook uncontrollably. He kept his laughter silent with a painful effort but was it obvious he was—oh, God, oh fuck, he looked up and Breen was looking right at him and he couldn’t stop laughing what the hell kind of expression did he have? Probably not normal? Breen maintained eye contact for an uncomfortably long moment and seemed to direct his next sentence at him. Gordon nodded in fake attention and he smiled and finally looked away, moving to his next point. Gordon struggled to breathe. He made the mistake of looking back at Barney, who immediately resumed fingerspelling.

B I T C H A S S M O T H E R F U C K E R

A strangled wheeze forced its way out of Gordon. No no no he had to keep quiet. It couldn’t be good if Dr. Breen noticed he was laughing and turned around to see what was funny. He didn’t think Breen knew sign but he’d probably put the pieces together well enough to blame Barney. If Barney got fired Black Mesa would lose all its joy. That couldn’t happen. But oh God his chest ached.

Barney, meanwhile, in no mood to stop, was apparently trying to think of another insult and what he came up with was

N E R F H E R D E R

That got him bad. Gordon pretended to go into a brief coughing fit but when he looked up it had attracted Breen’s attention and he held his breath to keep from doing anything else stupid.

S T U P I D F A K E S C I E N C E B I T C H

Gordon desperately held his breath to keep himself from laughing. He couldn’t look away but holy shit couldn’t Barney tell he was killing him? Yeah, he was probably proud of himself. And he just kept going. Remembering new insults and recycling old ones and Gordon couldn’t breathe and at some point he realized that everything was getting very hazy and Barney’s gestures had stopped making sense to him and then he realized in a moment of sudden clarity that he was going to pass out.

The next thing he knew Eli and Kleiner each had him by an arm and were dragging him out the door as Azian hovered over him in exaggerated concern. He caught a glimpse of Barney’s horrified face as they pulled him outside into the hallway—to freedom—and then the door closed.

They kept dragging him until they were out of sight of the door, then stood him up and let go. Gordon swayed a little on his feet but kept his balance.

“Thank you,” said Eli intensely, giving his arm a squeeze before letting go.

“Nice acting,” said Azian, suddenly much less distraught. “Alyx is still asleep and you caused enough of an emergency to get all of us out of there!”

“The only problem is Breen might insist on seeing him after he’s done,” Kleiner mumbled.

“We can pretend he’s sleeping and tell him not to bother him,” said Azian. “Gordon, that was very convincing, have you actually fainted before?”

He blinked blankly at them.

“…Gordon?” Kleiner grabbed his arm, as if afraid he would suddenly fall over now. Ironically, the motion unbalanced him a bit and he swayed. “Gordon, did you _actually_ pass out?”

Gordon nodded.

Eli took his other arm. “Oh, no, you’re really sick?”

He shook his head and signed “I was holding my breath. Barney—” he choked. “Let’s get away from the door.”

They sat him down and brought him water and fussed over him while he had a minor giggling fit, then tried to explain. “Barney was—” he had to stop, he was laughing again. “I looked at Barney and he would—” He had to take a moment to catch his breath, but he lost his composure again the second he started trying to sign it because then he _thought_ about it, so it took him a while to explain. He felt he’d genuinely laughed himself silly. His gut hurt. At least he was conscious for the moment.

“Huh,” said Eli appreciatively. “….what _is_ the sign for cocksucker, anyway?”

Gordon tried to sign it and was overtaken by another laughing fit.

“It’s like this,” Kleiner demonstrated, completely unperturbed, and Gordon, who had started to recover, was knocked silly again. He slid slowly out of his chair and curled up in the fetal position on the floor.

“…I see,” said Eli as Azian wheezed uncontrollably, trying not to wake Alyx. “Well, that’s—logical, I suppose.”

“Perfectly,” said Kleiner.

There was a crashing noise from the vents and Barney tumbled out. “Gordon! Are you okay?!”

Gordon pointed at him and signed “Cocksucker!” then went into another laughing fit, slapping the floor.

Barney stared at him. “Is he okay?” he sounded genuinely scared.

“He’s showing you how to sign cocksucker rather than spelling it out,” said Kleiner.

Eli doubled over laughing and Azian, still struggling to recover from her own fit, rested a hand on his back. Baby Alyx, half-woken by all the noise and shaking, blinked grouchily at them and nestled into her mother’s chest.

“Oh. Oh. Okay, that, uh. Makes sense. I don’t… think I can do that one at work,” said Barney. “But seriously, are you okay? You fell over?”

“He passed out from holding his breath trying not to laugh at you,” said Kleiner, “Which fortunately got us out and—wait a minute, what are you doing here? Did Dr. Breen actually end early for once??”

“He did.”

“My God! Gordon, you’ve done something no one at Black Mesa has managed to do, to my knowledge—you got your whole team out of a Breen talk early!”

“Savior of humanity,” wheezed Eli.

“All hail,” giggled Azian.

“Now, now, Barney takes much of the credit for being so unbearably funny that he made his friend pass out,” said Kleiner.

“I’m really sorry about that,” said Barney.

“Don’t be! You saved us!” said Eli with genuine gratitude. “Heroes, both of you.”

Gordon saluted Barney from his prone position on the floor.

“Okay, but like, seriously, are you good? Why are you on the floor, Gordon?”

Gordon motioned Barney to come closer. No, closer. Closer. Barney came and crouched over him. Gordon stared into his eyes for a moment and then signed “BITCH.”

“…what?” said Barney.

“B I T C H ,” Gordon fingerspelled, and pointed up at him.

“Ah,” said Barney.

That was what finally got Kleiner. Gordon heard his dry, creaky laughter start and it set him off again too. He felt like he’d never be able to breathe normally again but he loved it.

“Alright, let’s get you up,” said Barney, offering him a hand.

“Bitch,” Gordon signed one more time, but took his hand and started to get up.

“Breen alert,” said Kleiner quietly, suddenly ceasing his laughter all at once and clearing his throat. There was a sound of severe dress shoes tapping down the hallway outside.

Eli straightened up and steadied his breathing. Azian re-activated her Concerned Mom Look and aimed it at Gordon. Gordon ragdolled onto the floor and tried to look semiconscious and pitiful.

The door swung open. Barney, who was still holding onto Gordon’s hand, patted it awkwardly.

“Oh, dear, is he alright?” said Dr. Breen. Gordon, despite the urge to gag, managed to not react.

“I think so. He just needs rest,” said Dr. Kleiner. “It’s been a long day, and I’m starting to suspect he has a blood sugar problem? I’ll take him down to med tomorrow.”

“Not now?”

“He's alright I think,” said Barney, “Just resting.” and he clung to Gordon's hand and looked sadly at him as if he was on his deathbed and once again Gordon had to fight down an urge to laugh. _God damn it Mr. Calhoun you WILL be the death of me today_. Gordon managed to give Breen a weak thumbs-up with his free hand. 

“Your—you can be a little overwhelming, you know,” said Kleiner softly to Breen, “Your—charisma, you know?”

“Ah,” said Dr. Breen understandingly.

Barney quickly turned to look at Gordon so Breen didn’t see his expression. Gordon, again, was forced to hold his breath. He gripped Barney’s hand painfully tight and glared at him. Barney winced a little but he was still grinning and it was horribly infectious.

“Well, good to see he’s in good hands, I’ll give him some time to recover—” Dr. Breen was leaving!! Dr. Breen was walking towards the door!! Finally! They did it!

Dr. Breen stopped. In the very doorway. Looked at Barney.

“Wait a moment, weren’t you just with me in the conference room?”

The vent cover was still lying on the floor where Barney had knocked it off, but Breen hadn’t noticed it yet. Gordon forced himself not to look at it. Act normal.

Barney rapidly arranged his face into a mask of concern and turned to answer Breen. “Oh—yes sir I uh—I can—run…? Really fast? When I’m worried about my friends.”

Dr. Breen nodded. “A noble skill. He’s in very good hands.” He nodded to them all. “Hope he feels better. I’m sorry our little meeting had to end like this.” And then finally, finally, he was gone. The door swung closed and they heard his footsteps tap-tap-tapping away.

Barney slumped over Gordon with a faint screech of laughter and Gordon curled up into a shaking ball. Everyone in the room (except for Alyx, who was still _trying_ to enjoy her nap, despite the antics of the adults) collapsed into quiet laughter for about ten seconds as Dr. Breen’s footsteps faded into the distance.

Gordon sat up shakily and rubbed tears out of his eyes. “ _Oh no sir I can run really fast when I’m worried about my friends,_ ” he signed at Barney with a sarcastically sappy expression.

Barney shoved him. “Shut up. It worked, he’s gone.”

“ _Finally_ ,” breathed Eli. “As thanks for getting me out of that, let me treat you all to waffles.”

“Oh how could we refuse,” said Kleiner with a smirk, “after all, we have Gordon’s blood sugar levels to worry about!”

Gordon laughed, but without hurting himself this time, and finally let Barney help him up. “Waffles sound amazing,” he signed. 

**Author's Note:**

> and then they went to Black Mesa Waffle House.  
> ...I can't not reference the vine  
> headcrab zombies: *fighting behind the counter*  
> Kleiner: Can I get a waffle? Can I please get a waffle?  
> oh yeah here's the original post https://trifoliate-undergrowth.tumblr.com/post/643748854808903680/concept-local-scientist-genuinely-hurts-himself


End file.
